Plan the next 72 hours of your life with help from our critics. Herewith, the five unmissable events going down this weekend in the East Bay.
How does one become America's ubiquitous go-to gal on the subject of sex? For Susie Bright, it started with Catholic Mass and Girl Scouts, then segued into radical high-school politics; in 1984, she co-founded the first-ever female-focused sex magazine, On Our Backs. Bright tells all in her memoir Big Sex Little Death, which she discusses at Diesel (5433 College Ave., Oakland) on Saturday, Apr. 10. 3 p.m., free. DieselBookstore.com — Anneli Rufus
Warriors Wrap Up
The last chance to see the Golden State Warriors this season might not be enough to get you to give up your remote control, but the last chance to see the Sacramento Kings ever might get you down to the Oracle Arena (7000 Coliseum Way, Oakland) on Sunday, Apr. 10. This may be the very last contest in the I-80 rivalry, as Northern California’s other team has been making noise that they might become Southern California’s third squad. The Golden Staters are wrapping up another desultory season, enlivened by the good health of their two backcourt aces, Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry, but it’s got to be better than our foes from the Capital City, who are likely saying goodbye to big-time professional sports for the foreseeable future. Ah, we still hope the Warriors win. 6 p.m., $15-$200. NBA.com/warriors — Kibby Kleiman
Punks Vs. Hipsters
Okay, if you want an idea of how this battle royale might go down, just check out some of the comments on the event’s Facebook page. From Sonia Rabago: “Punks or hipsters? Whatever. It’s all pretty dude-oriented regardless. I’m rootin for the beatniks.” From Loren Motor: “Isn’t saying ‘punks versus hipsters’ like saying ‘bunnies versus rabbits?’” From the ever-caps-lock-happy Ryan Christopher Parks: “SOMEONE TURN ON A FUCKING FAN. I CAN'T SEE THE FIGHT THROUGH ALL THESE STINK WAVES.” Regardless of their reservations, it’s sure to be a fabulous party — or, at least, a cathartic experience. Inhaler, Religious Girls, Spawn Atomic, and B. Hamilton will all perform live, while various unknowns battle for supremacy. Rocky Holmen will go toe-to-toe with Patty Shaw. Evan Haase will take on Zachariah Keiler-Bradshaw. Greg Coke will lock horns with Jeff Schenk. And Billy Joe will get a rematch with Jerry, whatever that means. Should be rowdy. At the East Bay Rats Club House (3025 San Pablo Ave., Oakland) Saturday, April 9. 9 p.m., $5. EastBayRats.com — Rachel Swan
Shortest Triathlon Ever
Do a triathlon — and gobble up the bragging rights that go with it — in the time it takes to watch an episode of 30 Rock. The fifth-annual Shortest Triathlon Ever, this Saturday, includes a one-hundred-yard swim, a 2.5-mile bike ride along the route made famous by the opening scene in Pixar’s The Incredibles, and a 2.1-mile run along a fast, flat route. Afterwards, enjoy a health and wellness fair, breakfast, an awards ceremony, and other attractions. Appropriately enough, the race starts and ends at Emeryville City Hall (1333 Park Ave., Emeryville), in the middle of what race organizers claim is “the shortest city ever” at a mere 1.9 miles long. Presented by the Bay Area Orthopaedic Sports and Spine Foundation, the race benefits health and fitness programs for Emeryville Unified School District students. Registration opens at 6:30 a.m.; $35-$55, free for Emeryville students. OnYourMarkEvents.com — Ellen Cushing
Get Buzzed: Turns out American-made Belgian beers are pretty good (and pretty alcoholic, as our intrepid beer columnist found out). Read all about it in the latest installment of our booze column, Last Call.
Waste Some Time: If you're reading this, you are an oxygen-breathing, internet-reading being, which means there is an approximately one million percent chance that you've wasted an afternoon perusing the ladies of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Way better, though: Sloths That Look Like Justin Bieber. Seriously, it's uncanny.
Feed Us: Got any East Bay news, events, video, or miscellany we should know about? Holler at us at Editor@EastBayExpress.com.