State of the Nation Address: Raiders Hire Dennis Allen as New Head Coach



Denver Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen is now Oakland Raiders head coach Dennis Allen. He's only 39 and was a popular head coach candidate this year after one successful year in Denver. The Bronco defense was good, but I think we have to wonder if it was Allen's coaching, or the supernatural assistance of Jesus Christ and Tim Tebow. He's gone from Jesus' favorite football team to Satan's favorite. Welcome aboard, buddy!

After an egregious vetting process, the Raiders hired Dennis Allen as their new head coach.
  • After an egregious vetting process, the Raiders hired Dennis Allen as their new head coach.

Who else did the Raiders consider?

- Mike Tice, the former Minnesota Vikings coach who was fired after scalping Super Bowl tickets. Good for the Raiders, bad for the BART pedestrian overpass.

- Dom Capers, Green Bay Packers defensive coordinator and former coach of the Carolina Panthers and Houston Texans. Capers is the only man to be the inaugural coach of two expansion teams, and also the only man to be fired by two inaugural expansion teams.

- Craig T. Nelson, actor and former coach of the fictional Minnesota State University Screaming Eagles. Ultimately, his insistence that actor Bill "Dauber" Fagerbakke be hired as special teams coach was a deal-breaker for Oakland.

- The Ghost of Al Davis, meaning that a psychic with a ouija board would sit on the sidelines making all game decisions. The planchette always goes to "Throw Deep" or "Draft The Heisman Trophy Winner."

- Eric Taylor, whose handling of Ray "Voodoo" Tatum shows that he wouldn't be intimidated by another JaMarcus Russell situation.

- Mayor Jean Quan, who impressed team officials with her ferocious rhetoric about defensive play, but they soured after her wishy-washy answers and insistence that the Cover-2 defense involves flash grenades and tear gas.

Mayor Jean Quan was another contender.
  • Mayor Jean Quan was another contender.

- Art Shell, just for the LOLs.

- Don Nelson, who once famously said, "The more scotch I drink, the better the game plan gets." That is the perfect attitude for a Raider coach, or a Raider fan, only you'd want to substitute "Winner's Cup Vodka" for "scotch" and "parking lot brawl" for "game plan."

- Phillip Seymour Hoffman dressed as Art Howe from Moneyball but talking like he does in Happiness.