Moneyball 2012

by and


(SCENE: The ramshackle Oakland front office’s conference room. Oakland scouts fidget nervously, staring at their own pagers rather than each other. Billy Beane bursts into the conference room waving a printout.)

Billy Beane: Guys, you’re still trying to replace Gio Gonzalez. I told you we can’t do it. We can’t do it. Now what we might be able to do is recreate him, in the field of social media.

Grady Fuson: The field of what?

Billy Beane: No one is talking about this team as contenders, but the real problem is no one is talking about this team, at all. We haven’t been a trending topic since Dallas Braden’s perfect game.

Ron Hopkins: What’s a Trending topic?

Billy Beane: Peter, get Wikipedia open for Ron. Gonzalez has 19,586 followers on Twitter. Andrew Bailey has 11,835 followers. Trevor Cahill is not on Twitter, but his Facebook fan page has 2,128 likes. What’s the total?

(He snaps his finger and points to Peter)

  • "He gets online!"

Peter Brand: Do you want me to speak?

Billy Beane: When I point to you, yeah. Why couldn’t Milton Bradley have been like you?

Peter Brand: Thirty three five forty-nine.

Billy Beane: Divided by three.

(Billy snaps his finger again)

Peter Brand: Eleven one eight three.

Billy Beane: That’s what we’re looking for. Three ball players whose average Klout score is…

Peter Brand: Sixty-three!

Billy Beane: Now here’s who we want. @LoMoMarlins, AKA Logan Morrison.

Ron Hopkins: Logan Morrison! That guy’s a head case.

Grady Fuson: The Marlins sent him to the minors last year even though he had 17 home runs.

Billy Beane: And he has 88,700 followers! Number two, @JoseCanseco.

Grady Fuson: Jose Canseco! Come on, Billy! He’s 47 years old!

Ron Hopkins: He proposed to Lady Gaga!

Grady Fuson: Didn’t he box a kangaroo on pay-per-view?

Billy Beane: Well, his social media reach is all we’re looking at here.

Ron Hopkins: Why do you like this idiot?

Billy Beane: Peter?

Peter Brand: (shrugs) 400,000 followers, 2,000 Tweets. He gets online.

Billy Beane: Number Three, @RobDelaney.

Grady Fuson: For crissakes Billy, he’s not even a baseball player!

Billy Beane: Peter’s computer says Delaney’s received over 70,000 “Favorites,” some of his stuff has been retweeted over 6,00 times, and he looks good in baseball pants.

Ron Hopkins: Billy, we’re not selling jeans here.

Billy Beane: Maybe we are selling jeans. If we have players with followers, we can use sponsored tweets. We make a deal with Levi’s, and we might earn enough to afford hot water in the locker room showers. They’ll like him for the same reason we like him. Because…?

The Scouts: He gets online.

Billy Beane: He gets online!

Grady Fuson: So he Tweets a lot.

Billy Beane: He gets online a lot. Do I care if it’s a blog or a Facebook status update? Do I, Pete?

Peter Brand: You do not. Hey, who do I talk to about getting my character’s name changed?

Billy Beane: Fausto Carmona.