ARIES (March 21-April 19): There is a 97 percent chance that you will NOT engage in the following activities within the next 30 days: naked skydiving, tight-rope walking between two skyscrapers, getting drunk on a mountaintop, taking ayahuasca with Peruvian shamans in a remote rural hut, or dancing ecstatically in a muddy pit of snakes. However, I suspect that you will be involved in almost equally exotic exploits -- although less risky ones -- that will require you to summon more pluck and improvisational skill than you knew you had.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The Onion, my favorite news source, reported that "It's perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one currently in their hands." You shouldn't feel shame, the article said, if you're enjoying a hoagie but suddenly feel an inexplicable yearning for a BLT or pastrami on rye. While I appreciate this reassuring counsel, I don't think it applies to you in the coming weeks. In my opinion, you have a sacred duty to be unwaveringly faithful, both in your imagination and your actual behavior -- as much for your own sake as for others'. I advise you to cultivate an up-to-date affection for and commitment to what you actually have, and not indulge in obsessive fantasies about "what ifs."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I hesitate to deliver the contents of this horoscope without a disclaimer. Unless you are an extremely ethical person with a vivid streak of empathy, you might be prone to abuse the information I'm about to present. So please ignore it unless you can responsibly employ the concepts of benevolent mischief and tricky blessings and cathartic shenanigans. Ready? Here's your oracle: Now is a favorable time for grayer truths, wilder leaps of the imagination, more useful bullshit, funnier enigmas, and more outlandish stories seasoned with crazy wisdom.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Kavachi is an underwater volcano in the Southwest Pacific Ocean. It erupts periodically, and in general makes the surrounding water so hot and acidic that human divers must avoid it. And yet some hardy species live there, including crabs, jellyfish, stingrays, and sharks. What adaptations and strategies enable them to thrive in such an extreme environment? Scientists don't know. I'm going to draw a comparison between you and the resourceful creatures living near Kavachi. In the coming weeks, I bet you'll flourish in circumstances that normal people might find daunting.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Seventeenth-century British people used the now-obsolete word "firktytoodle." It meant "cuddling and snuggling accompanied by leisurely experiments in smooching, fondling, licking, and sweet dirty talk." The coming weeks will be prime time for you to carry out extensive experiments in this activity. But here's an interesting question: Will the near future also be a favorable phase for record levels of orgasmic release? The answer: maybe, but IF AND ONLY if you pursue firkytoodle as an end in itself; IF AND ONLY IF you relish the teasing and playing as if they were ultimate rewards, and don't relegate them to being merely preliminary acts for pleasures that are supposedly bigger and better. P.S. These same principles apply not just to your intimate connections, but to everything else in your life, as well. Enjoying the journey is as important as reaching a destination.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Here's an experiment worth trying: Reach back into the past to find a remedy for what's bugging you now. In other words, seek out on an old, perhaps even partially forgotten influence to resolve a current dilemma that has resisted your efforts to master it. This is one time when it may make good sense to temporarily resurrect a lost dream. You could energize your future by drawing inspiration from possibilities that might have been but never were.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): By the time he died at the age of 87 in 1983, free thinker Buckminster Fuller had licensed his inventions to more than 100 companies. But along the way, he often had to be patient as he waited for the world to be ready for his visionary creations. He was ahead of his time, dreaming up things that would be needed before anyone knew they'd be needed. I encourage you to be like him in the coming weeks, Libra. Try to anticipate the future. Generate possibilities that people are not yet ripe to accept, but will eventually be ready to embrace.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Does the word "revolution" have any useful meaning? Or has it been invoked by so many fanatics with such melodramatic agendas that it has lost its value? In accordance with your astrological omens, I suggest we give it another chance. I think it deserves a cozy spot in your life during the next few months. As for what exactly that entails, let's call on author Rebecca Solnit for inspiration. She says, "I still think the [real] revolution is to make the world safe for poetry, meandering, for the frail and vulnerable, the rare and obscure, the impractical and local and small."
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "We all have ghosts inside us, and it's better when they speak than when they don't," wrote author Siri Hustvedt. The good news, Sagittarius, is that in recent weeks your personal ghosts have been discoursing at length. They have offered their interpretation of your life's central mysteries and have provided twists on old stories you thought you had all figured out. The bad news is that they don't seem to want to shut up. Also, less than 25% of what they have been asserting is actually true or useful. But here's the fantastic news: Those ghosts have delivered everything you need to know for now, and will obey if you tell them to take an extended vacation.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In the film Bruce Almighty, Morgan Freeman plays the role of God, and Capricorn actor Jim Carrey is a frustrated reporter named Bruce Nolan. After Nolan bemoans his rocky fate and blames it on God's ineptitude, the Supreme Being reaches out by phone. (His number is 716-776-2323.) A series of conversations and negotiations ensues, leading Nolan on roller-coaster adventures that ultimately result in a mostly happy ending. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you Capricorns will have an unusually high chance of making fruitful contact with a Higher Power or Illuminating Source in the coming weeks. I doubt that 716-776-2323 is the right contact information. But if you trust your intuition, I bet you'll make the connection.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some spiders are both construction workers and artists. The webs they spin are not just strong and functional, but also feature decorative elements called "stabilimenta." These may be as simple as zigzags or as complex as spiral whorls. Biologists say the stabilimenta draw prey to specific locations, help the spider hide, and render the overall stability of the web more robust. As you enter the web-building phase of your cycle, Aquarius, I suggest that you include your own version of attractive stabilimenta. Your purpose, of course, is not to catch prey, but to bolster your network and invigorate your support system. Be artful as well as practical. (Thanks to Mother Nature Network's Jaymi Heimbuch for info on stabilimenta.)
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): "Aren't there parts of ourselves that are just better left unfed?" asked Piscean author David Foster Wallace. I propose that we make that one of your two keynotes during the next four weeks. Here's a second keynote: As you become more and more skilled at not fueling the parts of yourself that are better left unfed, you will have a growing knack for identifying the parts of yourself that should be well-fed. Feed them with care and artistry!