California could be literally sitting on billions of dollars it didn't know it had, according to a little-noticed report that came out last week. The cash had been hidden by members of the incredibly well-financed and politically omnipotent state prison guard's union. The guard's union, which prides itself on having some of the greediest sons of bitches on the public payroll, has reportedly been skimming money for years from the prison system's costly and controversial Healthy Meals and Healthy Bodies Equals Healthy Minds program.
Apparently worried both about leaving a paper trail and about the solvency of banks during the credit crisis, the union reportedly turned the program's funds into cash and then stuffed wads of it into jailhouse mattresses. To keep prisoners from suspecting anything, the guards told them that the extra bumps in their beds were part of the governor's much decried Fluffy Mattresses Make for a Better Prisoners' Night Sleep program.
The amount of hidden cash could be staggering now that California has imprisoned more than half of its population. According to the latest is figures, there are more than 20 million Californians behind bars, and if each mattress contains $1,000 — and they're expected to have far more than that — then it could amount to more than $20 billion. That's more than enough to solve the state budget problems for the next 24 hours.
The question is whether state auditors can get to the money fast enough. In fact, Governor Schwarzenegger is seriously considering a massive statewide hiring program to bring in hordes of temporary workers to retrieve all the money. But Democrats say the governor's plan represents a slap in the face to unions, and could lead to system-wide riots, with short-sleeved auditors trying to extract wads of cash from dangerous prisoners and Taser-wielding guards. "If anybody fucks with us, heads are gonna roll," prison guard's union spokesman Jack Stonebreaker told the Los Angeles Tribune, the once-respected newspaper that broke the story despite only having a staff of 1.5 reporters. "This is our house."
John Yoo Captured in Spain
Notorious UC Berkeley law professor John Yoo was captured in Spain last week, and reportedly has been subjected to that country's idea of "enhanced interrogation techniques." Spanish authorities have reportedly forced Yoo to listen to many of President George W. Bush's inane malapropisms at excruciatingly high decibel levels. The university scholar is said to have been driven over the brink from Bush shouting: "Is Our Children Learning? Is Our Children Learning?"
Yoo, who authored the infamous "Torture Memos" while working for the Bush administration, had decided to take a flight that made a stopover in Madrid despite Spain's decision last month to issue a warrant for his arrest. A Spanish court had been seeking Yoo on war crimes charges for his role in authorizing torture. Once Spanish authorities learned that Yoo was on the plane, they quickly descended on him. Yoo was said to have yelled, "Academic Freedom. Academic Freedom," when authorities arrested him. Spanish officials then had to remind Yoo that he had gotten the law all wrong again.
At the time of his capture, Yoo was said to be heading for a top secret meeting with former high-ranking members of the Bush administration, including Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, David Addington, and Scooter Libby. The group reportedly was to meet at Cheney's new undisclosed location. But the hideout may remain a mystery because the Spaniards' "harsh methods" — just like the Americans' — didn't work. After days of listening to Bush's deafening voice, Yoo's mind is said to be even more damaged than it was before, and he has yet to give up any vital or new information. "Turn it off. Turn it off," he reportedly keeps crying. "Bush is a moron. Bush is a MORON."
A's to Swap Frat Boy Owners
Speaking of the former president, Bush is reportedly leading a team of investors who want to purchase the Oakland A's. As a onetime owner of the Texas Rangers, Bush is said to be anxious to get back among his intellectual peers — Major League Baseball owners. Bush also has told reporters that he can't wait to shit on the City of Oakland and the team's fans, noting that after watching other A's owners do it over and over again, he wanted to "get in on all the fun, too." He also is said to want revenge for Oakland's support of Barbara Lee.
Bush is reportedly ready to jettison the team's plans to move to San Jose. The former president says he has a better spot in mind: Guantanamo Bay Prison. Bush noted that Cubans are rabid baseball fans and players and that the former torture chamber is only ninety miles from Florida. "If Obama closes Gitmo and normalizes relations with Cuba, this is a perfect place for baseball."