By Dan Savage
Wife issues. Lack of intimacy. Cuckold, etc.
While I typically encourage people to keep their questions brief, it is possible to be too brief, NH. But I've gotten so many questions from wannabe cuckolds with wife issues over the years that I'm going to hazard a series of guesses and take a shot at advising you.
I'm guessing you're a straight guy and you're interested in cuckolding — the kink where the wife sleeps with other men, and either she tells the husband about her adventures or she "forces" him to watch her with other men. Cuckolding can involve elements of humiliation and/or degradation, and in some cases includes "forced bi" interactions between the cuckolded husband and the men his wife "cheats" on him with. And I'm also guessing you told the wife about your interest in cuckolding and she wasn't interested and you wound up arguing about it, NH, and now your sex life is in the toilet, aka "lack of intimacy."
So what do you do now? You drop it, NH, as cuckolding — which is a big ask for the wife (the sexual and emotional risks fall on her) — is a kink that both partners have to be equally excited about exploring. If she doesn't want to go there, NH, then you're not going there. Not getting to explore cuckolding — and dropping the subject — is the price of admission you'll have to pay to revive your sex life.
And if restoring your sex life isn't incentive enough to drop the subject, NH, this Savage Love reader's experience might inspire you to drop it: "My husband, almost exactly ten years older than me, confessed a cuckold fetish to me shortly before our fifth anniversary," a happily married straight lady wrote (her letter appeared in "Meet the Monogamish," January 4, 2012). "I said no, but a seed was planted: Whenever I would develop a crush on another man, it would occur to me that I could sleep with him if I wanted to." She eventually met someone she wanted to sleep with and went back to her husband — five years later — to ask if he was still interested in cuckolding. He was — and guess what? He's a cuckold now. I had to run an edited version of her letter, so this bit didn't make it into the column, but the only reason this woman wound up exploring cuckolding was because her husband respected her initial "no" and wasn't pressuring her to reconsider. Because she didn't feel like he was miserably unhappy with the status quo — a strictly monogamous status quo —a nd because she didn't feel like he would blow up if she got cold feet, she felt secure enough to go there.
So shut the fuck up, NH, and you may eventually get what you want.
My boyfriend and I have been together three years. We plan to start a family, are very happy together, and go on many adventures together — all that good stuff. For the past year or so, I feel like I've been losing my sex drive. Not just toward him but in general. I should mention that I'm 30 and he's 25, but our age gap has always been a nonissue. I have a stressful job and am often too tired to have sex on weeknights, so we've pretty much gone down to having sex once a week. He has said this devastates him. He feels like I'm not attracted to him because he always initiates, and he is worried about our future sex life. I used to deny there was a problem and assure him, "No, we're fine, I'm just tired," etc. But I admit it's a problem. I've had more than a few uncomfortable "maintenance sex" sessions wherein I sex him to make him happy, and then I wind up mad at myself for being a faker and feel resentful toward him for being so horny. I've recently been coming to the conclusion that he's right: It will be bad for our future if our sexual needs are so different. Yet I don't want to let him go because of this. I love him madly. I'm also a CUDDLE ADDICT. In my fantasy world, we cuddle all the time, we have amazing sex only when we're worked up, and my vibrator takes care of me more often than his cock (this is already the case generally). But I don't view this lack of sex as a negative thing. I just don't make sex as much of a priority as he does. I could see looking the other way if he needs to get his sexual needs met by someone else or with a professional, but it makes me nervous, mostly because I'd be devastated if he fell in love with someone else. I'm not polyamorous, as so many Seattleites are, but I'm open-minded.
Sexual Needs Undermining Good Girl's Loving Expectations
Barring a medical issue or a common-sense issue — get your hormone levels checked, try to incorporate your vibrator into the sex you're having with your boyfriend, ponder the possibility that you fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum and perhaps marrying a sexual isn't the greatest idea (particularly if you can't see yourself opening up the relationship) — this sounds like just another average, ordinary case of mismatched libidos. My advice: Break up now, before you have children, before his feelings of rejection (already at devastating levels) and your feelings of resentment (at having to go through the motions) metastasize into an explosive case of mutual loathing.
Thanks for HUMP! I've been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for five years, and since year two, when we got pregnant despite using a condom, we've had sex maybe five times. Three of those times were in the year after the pregnancy, then once on Valentine's Day last year and again last night after seeing HUMP! We've been in couples counseling for six weeks, and therapy laid a foundation for becoming intimate again. But things have been so awkward for so long that it just seemed impossible. But something clicked for us at HUMP! It's like we both seemed to realize that people have sex in all shapes and sizes and methods and that you can dive in. At a certain point, you just have to dive right in. You have always been a sex-positive force in my life — thanks for the reminder and bringing SF some excellent entertainment!
Thanks for the lovely note, SFH, and I'm thrilled HUMP! provided you and your boyfriend with the goose/spark/inspiration you needed to dive back in. But you two did the heavy lifting — getting counseling, hanging in there, keeping those lines of communication open — and you two deserve the credit, not my silly little porn festival. Now keep diving in! And remember: If fear of pregnancy is a boner-killer/pussy-parcher, and if more reliable forms of birth control don't work for you, there are plenty of non-PIV options that (1) are tons of fun, (2) count as sex, from mutual masturbation to fantasy play to oral and anal play/sex, and (3) present no risk of pregnancy. So even if you find yourselves gripped by fear again, SFH, keep having sex.
HUMP! is the Pacific Northwest's biggest, best, and only amateur-porn film festival. It's in its eleventh year, and for the second time ever, HUMP! is touring the country. HUMP! features hardcore, softcore, erotica, animation, and musicals, and HUMP! is straight, gay, queer, kinky, vanilla, cis, and trans — and, as SFH's experience shows, HUMP! also features inspiration. To find out if HUMP! is coming to your town, go to HUMPTour.com.
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