.Turning Lemons into Lemonade

How our sexual insecurities can become our biggest turn-ons.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He knows
I am an insecure person when it comes to my body. I’m not overweight,
I’ve been told my whole life how good-looking I am, and my boyfriend
tells me he loves my body. We have an active and interesting sex life.
Here is my problem: I get upset when he looks at porn. I never had a
problem with porn until my previous boyfriend (he preferred porn to
sex). I’ve been uncomfortable about porn ever since. I wish I could get
over this. My boyfriend knows I would love to share pornography
together, but he just does it in private.

I suppose I got upset initially because my boyfriend told me on
several occasions that he didn’t need to look at porn while he was in a
relationship, and I believed him. I later saw on our computer that this
wasn’t true, and he kept denying it until we had an argument. It
bothers me that he felt like he had to lie about it.

Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated to help me get
over this.

Feeling Fucking Frustrated

P.S. When I’m alone and I look at the porn my boyfriend watches
on the computer, it does turn me on a little and I masturbate thinking
about him getting off to it. But I feel bad after I’m done.
WTF?

The usual porn de la concorde — the only porn
compromise that works — goes like this: He pretends not to look
at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to
believe him, out of consideration for his. And I would stick that
advice on a pike and parade it under your window if it weren’t for that
amazing little postscript: You’re turned on when you check out the porn
your boyfriend’s been watching, and — this is a very important
detail — you masturbate not so much to the porn itself but to the
idea that this porn is getting your boyfriend off when you’re not
around.

WTF? This the fuck: Your erotic imagination has been hard at work,
FFF, breaking down your sexual fears and insecurities — about
your looks, about porn, about your douchebag ex-boyfriend — and
reconstructing them as a fetish. Congratulations, FFF, you’ve got a
kink. It’s not an uncommon response: Sometimes our subconscious mind
takes the lemons of our sexual insecurities and turns them into
delicious bonerade. So what do you do now? You should begin to explore
and cultivate — slowly, carefully, thoughtfully — your
subconscious mind’s efforts to eroticize your boyfriend’s porn habits
and your own insecurities. Here’s how:

He may never want to look at porn with you — he’s obviously
self-conscious about it, which is why he lied (maybe he had a bad
experience with an ex who freaked out about his porn-viewing habits
that left him feeling insecure?) — but you’ve already proven that
you two don’t have to watch porn together for both of you to get
something out of it. He should continue to get off watching porn alone
but then intentionally leave the clips for you, perhaps in a dedicated
folder. You should look at those clips — alone — and get
off watching the porn he watched and tormenting yourself —
carefully — with mental images of him getting off to this stuff.
Delete the clips you’ve looked at so that he knows you’re getting off,
too, and knows to refill your clips folder.

You can turn this problem that you’re having with your boyfriend
— he’s looking at porn, you’re masturbating about it — into
a game you’re playing with your boyfriend. That will give your
insecurities an erotic payoff — and that payoff could alleviate
or eliminate those bad and abandoned feelings.

I have been in a stable poly relationship for twenty years. A
good friend of mine knows this but rejects poly as a lifestyle choice
for himself. He is in a “monogamous” relationship now. But he is
willing to cheat on his girlfriend — with me if I wanted, but I’m
not keen. My question is this: Why would someone pick cheating when
they know about open or poly relationships? I don’t understand. I don’t
see the logic in it.

Honest Open Poly Eros

Isn’t it obvious? Your friend wants to have sex with other people,
HOPE, but he doesn’t want his girlfriend having sex with other people.
What I don’t understand is why an honest poly can be friendly with a
dishonest cheater. That’s like an out gay person being friends with a
tormented closet case — where’s the logic in that?

And this has nothing to do with your question, HOPE, but I’ve got a
little space to kill: The Bell Shoals Baptist Church in Brandon,
Florida, made the news last week when its pastor replaced the
megachurch’s ten Pepsi vending machines with ten Coke machines. The
pastor felt that Pepsi was far too supportive of — can you guess?
— “the gay lifestyle.”

What I found most remarkable about this story wasn’t the stupidity
— more on that in a moment — but the fact that a single
church in Florida has ten soda-pop vending machines. Ten! You would
think the good Christians at Bell Shoals could make it through an hour
or two on a Sunday without a cold can of corn syrup.

And psst … Bell Shoals? Coke supports gay rights, too. Your best
gay-hatin’ soda-pop option may be ZamZam Cola. It was a subsidiary of
Pepsi, true, but that was before the Islamic Revolution. Made in Iran,
ZamZam Cola is the most popular soft drink in Saudi Arabia, and I’m
guessing the good folks at ZamZam don’t like the gays any more than you
do. But if the “soft drink of the hajj” doesn’t appeal to you, Bell
Shoals, how about asking your parishioners to go without soda pop for
an hour a week?

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last five
years, and we moved in together this past year. Our sex life is not too
active and it’s an issue we’ve discussed numerous times. This has
caused my self-esteem to plummet. And this aspect of our problem has
made me very resentful: We’re very into D/S play and discovered our
kinky interests early on. In fact, any time I bend him over and spank
him or add a bit of bondage, our sex life picks right up again. I
resent the fact that this is the only way I can get him interested. Is
it possible that he’s only interested in kinky sex? Does it mean that
good old-fashioned vanilla is out of the question?

I enjoy kink just as much as he does and sometimes more, but
every once in a while I just want to be fucked. He’s actually had
difficulty staying hard before if we’re “just” having
missionary.

He Only Likes It Kinky

You have leverage here, HOLIK, use it.

The next time you wanna get fucked good and vanilla, HOLIK, whisper
in the boyfriend’s ear that you are so gonna tie him up and beat his
ass … tomorrow night. Then tell him if he wants that — and tell
him that you know he wants it because he’s a dirty little pervert
— he’s going to have to fuck you right now, and fuck you hard,
and fuck you the way you wanna be fucked. Then once he’s fucking you,
HOLIK, whisper something vaguely threatening in his ear once in a while
— something about the beating he’s earning with his good vanilla
behavior — and he won’t have any trouble staying hard.

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