Over the past few years, my husband and I have realized that he
has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I
would fill them if I could. I want him to be a happy and satisfied
person, not just for him, but for myself as well. We discussed opening
our relationship, but our therapist recoiled at the idea. If I can’t
help him and we can’t have someone else help him, what can we do? We
can’t imagine breaking up, but if we’re both unhappy, then I can only
assume that we will split eventually or one of us will act out in
resentment. We have been together for over a decade and love each other
deeply. I am physically sick over this situation, and I don’t know what
to do. I don’t know that I fully trust our therapist, and I would like
to hear an informed second opinion. I value your advice.
Life Decisions
Here’s an informed second opinion: Fuck your asshole therapist. And
here’s a better-informed bonus third opinion:
“It’s incredibly unfortunate that some therapists either aren’t
educated about open relationships or buy into common myths about them,”
says Tristan Taormino, activist, author, pornographer, and author of
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open
Relationships. Way too many therapists, she says, “pathologize
people who want to open their relationships and try to convince them
that they have intimacy or commitment issues. The truth is you can be
both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be
committed to one partner and have sex with others.”
Tristan interviewed scores of couples in successful open
relationships, and she found that many initially opened their
relationships because of an issue of sexual incompatibility.
“The scenario you present is not uncommon,” she continues. “If both
of you really are committed to giving it a go, I’d advise you to find a
new therapist, one who has experience with — and not a prejudice
against — nonmonogamous clients. The right therapist can help you
figure out your limits, set boundaries, and make an agreement about
this new type of relationship that works for both of you.”
You can also check out the stories, advice, and references at
Tristan’s website, OpeningUp.net.
Good luck, LD.
I’ve read and enjoyed your column for years and always found you
to be well reasoned and kind. That’s why your agreement with Perez
Hilton (and your reiteration of his comments) on Miss California was so
shocking. I’m a straight guy with a lifelong gay best friend. I’m
totally for gay rights in all respects. Still, it’s beneath you to call
someone who disagrees with your position a “dumb bitch.” You’re better
then that, Dan! Though Christian conservatives are either too scared or
too puritanical to accept gay marriage at this time, it doesn’t mean
these millions of people are dumb. Change takes time. Don’t you see
that what you and Mr. Hilton are promulgating is hatred against a
person for that individual’s beliefs, something you both claim to
abhor?
Basically On Your Side
I don’t think Miss California is a dumb bitch for her beliefs, BOYS,
but for her actions. (“Love the sinner/dumb bitch, hate the sin/dumb
bitchery.”) For the record: There are lots of reasonable folks out
there who oppose same-sex marriage, and I can interact with them in a
civil fashion. Heck, I voted for an opponent of marriage equality back
in November.
What sets Miss CA apart from reasonable opponents of marriage
equality, BOYS, is her opportunism coupled with her stupidity.
I thought Perez Hilton went too far when he called Miss CA a “dumb
bitch” after the pageant — and said so on my blog. But I started
to come around to Hilton’s POV after Miss CA, despite having said at
the pageant that she thought it was “great that Americans are able to
choose” gay marriage or “opposite marriage,” joined a political
campaign to deny marriage rights to gays and lesbians. Miss CA is
leveraging her spat with Hilton for her own personal financial gain.
Ghostwritten books, speaking gigs at evangelical churches, a potential
guest-host gig on The View — beats work, huh? And so what
if it oppresses gays and lesbians?
And that’s when I thought, “Hmm, I guess she is a bitch.”
And then came her interview on Fox News: “You know what, Greta? I
don’t have the answers to everything,” Miss CA told Greta Van Susteren
when she was asked about her position on civil unions. “I’m not running
for political office. I don’t have the answers to everything, you know,
in the world out there.” And when Van Susteren followed up by asking
Miss CA “what [she] thinks” about civil unions and gay people adopting
children, Miss CA responded, “I’m not a politician, so I can’t give you
an answer to that.” So seeing as she’s not a politician, Miss CA can’t
be expected to know what she herself thinks about adoptions and civil
unions.
And that’s when I thought, gawd, she’s dumb, too — and that’s
when I had to concede that Hilton was right.
I’m a seventeen-year-old girl who just became sexually active. My
sixteen-year-old boyfriend doesn’t like condoms, and I don’t like what
birth control pills do to my emotions and my skin. Now what do we
do?
Pregnancy Isn’t Looking Likely
I’ll be with you in a minute, PILL. But first …
More stupidity and opportunism: Bristol Palin is now a spokesperson
for an organization that encourages teenagers to abstain from having
sex. “Regardless of what I did personally,” Bristol advised America’s
youth last week, “I just think that abstinence is the only … 100
percent foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy.”
Here are a few other 100 percent foolproof ways to prevent
pregnancy, Bristol, right off the top of my head: mutual masturbation,
oral sex, anal sex (aka “saddlebacking” when practiced by Christian
teens), outercourse, sex toys your partner can insert into you, sex
toys you can insert your partner into, cybersex, phone sex, GAY SEX.
There are actually lots of “foolproof” ways for teenagers (and adults)
to be sexual and intimate without risking an unplanned pregnancy. It’s
possible for a teenager to have fulfilling sex, and the intimacy and
closeness and connection that comes along with it, without risking the
“24-hour job and … huge responsibility” that having a baby
entails.
Instead of telling teenagers to say no to sex — which will
work about as well as telling them to say no to drugs — we should
tell them there are ways to be sexual that carry no risk of pregnancy.
But if they do decide to have sex, of course, they’re going to need to
know about and have access to contraception and the “morning-after”
pill — and, yes, abortion services. But if we continue to present
being sexually active as either/or — either abstinence or vaginal
intercourse — we’re going to see more outcomes like yours,
Bristol.
When you explain to nervous, inexperienced teenagers that they don’t
have to jump right into full intercourse — that there are degrees
of intimacy, and risk, and they can have enjoyable sexual experiences
without vaginal (or anal) penetration — they’re often relieved.
(And just imagine what we could have been spared — all of us,
Bristol, from your family to Levi’s family to the McCain campaign
— if Levi had limited himself to inseminating your tonsils.)
So, PILL, here’s what you do: Enjoy outercourse, oral, masturbation,
and sex toys — and tell your boyfriend that these aren’t
consolation prizes for teenagers, but honest-to-God sex acts that
adults enjoy — until you and your boyfriend find the condoms and
lube that work for you.
