Look we love baseball. We get very excited at a late rally, seven innings of shut out ball, a foul ball whizzing by our heads. We leap from out seat, we bump fists with neighbors, and sometimes bring our girl to the game and when the baserunner's rounding third . and the mustard runs down her chin just so .well, then maybe we put down our nachos, our program, our foam finger, stop looking at the out of town scoreboard for an instant and give her a kiss. That's just the way we roll. Amongst the startling details coming out of Seattle where a "lesbian kiss" at Safeco park has roiled the customers, the most perplexing detail in the story is this, "There was a couple like seven rows ahead making out" according to accused sapphic smoocher Sirbrina Guerrero. Considering the Mariners are about a thousand games out of first place by Memorial Day, I suppose the product on the field leaves fans looking for something else to do to bide their time. But multiple couples making out in the loge level, really?
Unless Adrian Beltre's a lot sexier than he looks from the bleachers is there something in the Pacific Northwest water that inspires such frenzied love-making at the ball game? I feel cheated. All we have is this lousy competitive A's team to keep us occupied at the Coliseum. Who knew the Mariner Moose was such an aphrodisiac?
Lastly, note the loathsome Kiss Cam at a minor league ball park near you. (Or a major league facility acting bush). After highlighting couples in a superimposed heart on the big screen, the Kiss Cam often winds up showing a pair of dudes from the visiting team, causing group homophobia amongst the crowd tittering at the notion that two guys might kiss. Well, so now it's happened. It started with garlic fries (doesn't it always?) and it ended with alleged groping. I'd way rather Seattle started a trend in hardball hardcore than the stupid Wave which they always want credit for and can have if they still want it. Here's our call on the whole thing. People shouldn't be making out in public. Lesbians shouldn't get to either. The people who are scandalized should avert their gaze and watch the left fielder grab his crotch during every half inning instead if they want wholesome ballpark entertainment. Seattle is terrible this season and probably won't be on cnn again this decade, and the Angels are coming to Oakland starting tomorrow and I'm so excited I could grab the guy or girl next to me and give them a big old foam finger high five. Kisses and groping we reserve for the post-season. — Kibby Kleiman