Drunk Horse
Drunk Horse needs no introduction…. OMG, they are so hot! Totally awesome and talented too, they love to turn up the heat at their sold-out shows. But being in the spotlight is only one of their talents: When they aren’t chilling out or catching some grub, this band is working hard on the march toward superstardom. Though they face some stiff Bay Area competition, Drunk Horse has always been up to the challenge. Could Drunk Horse be in love with a girl like you? Read and find out!
What do you look for in a girl?
The rich chewy nougat.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
Soft, medium to nearly large size, moisture content fourteen to eighteen percent. The color is reddish brown, becoming amber upon ripening and deep reddish brown when cured. Ripening in midseason, fruit has medium tolerance to high humidity; average yield is 80-120 kilograms per tree and harvesting time is during October. Origin: Iran or Pakistan.
Turn-ons?
Iced-out grills, tricked-out whips, rings that go bling.
Turn-offs?
Fake-ass thugz, playa-hataz, triflin’ suckaz.
The Pattern
Exploding onto the scene less than a year ago, the Pattern soon proved that they were the ones to watch with their totally rad stage show and awesome songs. We can’t seem to get enough of these cuties, and judging from their album sales, neither can you! They embody what most consider to be the future of “boy bands,” since they play their own instruments and maintain relationships with their growing number of fans around the world on a level that can only be described as dedicated. Talent, style, and attitude: It’s a dangerous combination!
What do you look for in a girl?
Someone who is sweet and kind. Good shoes.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
Certainly not whiskey and throwing up. Good lighting and maybe some special circumstance like a comet in the sky or an eclipse. Then it’s an event.
Turn-ons?
Chocolate and strawberries, champagne, silk sheets, candles and incense.
Turn-offs?
Scowling. Complaining. Bad perfume. Kitty litter.
Anticon
Anticon wants their fans to know that they’re for real. And when these eye-popping hotties talk, the girls listen! Taking it to the next level, Anticon have become the ultimate fave band for local hip-hop fans, with a steamy brand of rap that keeps you glued to the stereo. Who wouldn’t want to paint the town red with this dream team?
What do you look for in a girl?
Fresh breath, low self-esteem, and a healthy sex drive … obedient yet independent.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
She picks you up at your apartment and hands you a pair of work boots and a yellow construction hat, then you go and take down street signs together with a vise grip … then it’s back to her place to alter the signs with paint … and, in the morning, epoxy them back in place.
Turn-ons?
Wooden teeth, butterfly kisses, cool about the whole masturbation thing, real belly buttons, landlords’ daughters.
Turn-offs?
Face paint, glitter, boyfriends, bound feet, dancers (they’re autoerotic), Mickey D’s employees, chicks with Illuminati daddies, Mets fans.
Mover
Oops! They did it again…. The folks in Mover are sure to give anyone a blush rush with their good looks and way-cool style. Classic rock moves and a hella tight rhythm section can only spell one thing: H-O-T! And they are not just out there to rock it; they also have a social conscience. It takes work to sparkle in the spotlight, and Mover is definitely the band for the job. Do you have what it takes to make one of them take notice?
What do you look for in a girl?
Damaged Debutantes. People often think that the only way to bring back a sexual revolution is with drastic in-your-face urban guerrilla tactics like the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA). But this is far from true. It is much easier to inspire sexy results upon the world with the help from collected credit cards of rich girls’ fathers. Power to the people can only be achieved by the power of the plastic! This is the only way to “farm” the love on our growing rock ‘n’ roll desert commune.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
Bean pies at any East Bay Black Muslim bakery followed by chocolate milkshakes at Fenton’s. We may kiss on the first date, but only if it is understood that by the second date we will be bonding with other sexual revolutionaries at the Ibiza Hotel near the Oakland airport. The Piedmont cemetery is also a fine place for a picnic on a sunny day.
Turn-ons?
We like long-haired girls who write and distribute their own sexy political manifestos. We also dig it when a lady can stand up to the pigs without resorting to violence unless that violence is some kind of sexy violence. It also helps if you look somewhat like a young Patty Hearst and have a soulful record collection like DJ Kitty. Oh, and you gotta dig that movie Over the Edge, because it’s not a movie. It’s a rite of passage, baby. Long live Claude Zachery!
Turn-offs?
Hipster girls who are all talk and no action. Sure, a sexual revolution is easy to intellectualize, but nobody’s gonna save the People’s sexuality from the Man by sitting around, smoking American Spirit yellows, and listening to the Strokes. In order to bring back the love, you gotta make like the ’80s never happened, man.
— Katy St. Clair
