.Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Avoid filming your roommate having sex — no matter how hot she is.

My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the
ceiling fell in), and, at her request, I’m letting her and her
boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to
contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered
my space I had this feeling that all bets are off. I’m considering
spying on her with a hidden surveillance cam. If I had video of this
girl naked, let alone being fucked, I could happily beat off to the
footage for the rest of my life. Obviously it’s a breach of trust, and
I’m a shitty roommate for considering it. I have a few concerns. Is
this normal? Assuming that there’s no way she could find out and that I
kept the video to myself and myself only, would it be so wrong? What is
her reasonable expectation of privacy once she enters my room?

Thanks In Advance

Before we get to your tech-related queries, TIA, a word about a
young man in Florida with tech-related troubles.

America’s current teen-sex panic — it’s always something
— is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other pictures of
their sometimes-underage junk, their frequently underage racks, or
their young and dimpled/pimpled rear ends. (Oh, if only we could return
to the comparatively innocent and entirely fictional days of “rainbow
parties”!) Shortly after the kids went crazy for sexting, the
authorities went crazy for prosecuting kids for sexting. Take Phillip
Alpert, an eighteen-year-old in Florida who got mad at his girlfriend
and forwarded a digital photo of her naked to dozens of her friends and
family.

This Alpert kid (he had only just turned eighteen) pulled an asshole
move — the gaping asshole of moves — and he owes his
girlfriend, her friends, and her family an apology, restitution, and a
pound of flesh. (And I mean that pound.) A just, proportionate
punishment might involve, say, nude pictures of Alpert being displayed
on a billboard in Times Square. For a year. Instead, Alpert was
convicted of distributing child porn and “sentenced to five years
probation and required by Florida law to register as a sex offender,”
CNN reports. “You will find me on the registered sex offender list next
to people who have raped children, molested kids, things like that,”
Alpert told CNN.

A message for concerned parents, outraged school officials, and
teen-sex-obsessed prosecutors: We’re gonna have to either make it
illegal for teenagers to own camsphonescomputers, or we’re gonna have
to give them drugs to delay the onset of puberty until after they’re
eighteen. If we’re unable or unwilling to do those things —
technology is hard to contain, and delaying puberty could have
unwelcome health consequences (although it would have spared Levi
Johnston’s DNA from the ignominy of mixing with the Palins’) —
then the intersection of horny teens and newer technologies is going to
require us to rethink the simplistic application of laws that
criminalize the possession and distribution of sexty (ugh) pictures,
particularly in cases where they were created by teenagers, for
teenagers.

Yes, Alpert was a douchebag; yes, it was wrong for him to forward
that picture to embarrass and humiliate his girlfriend. But if Alpert
is a child pornographer and a sex offender, so are millions of today’s
teenagers. They’re all e-mailing each other pictures of their junk.
Making an example of one unlucky asshole who got caught isn’t going to
stop teenagers from sexting each other anymore than making an example
of hundreds of thousands of unlucky pot smokers stopped people from
smoking pot.

Okay, TIA, on to your question: While it’s normal to contemplate,
even obsess about, something you know is wrong, secretly videotaping
your roommate, even if she’s “in your space,” isn’t just an asshole
move. It’s an illegal move in most places, and the consequences for
asshole moves involving digital images, as illustrated above, can be
dire. And until submitting to video surveillance is widely understood
to be a known risk of sleeping in someone else’s bedroom, your roommate
and her boyfriend have an entirely reasonable expectation of
privacy.

As for no-way-she-could-ever-find-out, I could sneak into your house
and use your toothbrush as a sound, and you’d never find out. And
although it would hurt me more than it would hurt you, TIA, it would
still be wrong — even if there was no way short of DNA testing
that you would ever find out. And while you may intend to keep the
video to yourself — such the gentleman — what if your
laptop gets stolen? What if you take your computer in for repairs and
someone makes a copy? Digital images — photos, video, whatever
— are too easy to lose control over.

Don’t do it, TIA.

I am a thirty-year-old female with a live-in boyfriend. While
we’re not without our problems, the relationship is wonderful. My only
big issue is that I don’t enjoy cohabitation. Before living with my
boyfriend, I lived in a studio apartment, my little castle, and I
relished having my own space. I would love to go back to us each having
our own domicile, but I am afraid of losing him. And the thought of
being “with” someone then going back to your own home has been met with
such criticism by my friends that it makes me wonder if there may be
something wrong with my relationship that I just can’t detect
consciously.

But I want my own space. Is it unusual to want your own
space?

Independent But In Love

I know a nice, loving couple — married, straight, with kids
— who each have an apartment in the same building. The kids’
rooms are in Mom’s; the meals are prepared and eaten at Dad’s. They
decided to live like this because, like you, they both liked having
their own spaces.

You can do it, too, IBIL. But you won’t be able to have what you
want until you stop worrying about what other people think and start
being honest with your boyfriend about your preferred living
arrangement.

As you’ve proven in the past with “santorum” and “saddlebacking,”
you have considerable influence. So to reward the Vermont legislature’s
recent decision to override the governor’s veto and legalize same-sex
marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to
purchase products made in Vermont? And Iowa? Think of it: Your millions
of fans could trade in chocolate body paint for maple syrup as the sexy
edible substance of choice, all the while supporting this legislative
victory and (we hope) spurring others like it.

D.J.’s Fellow Gayby

P.S. I have absolutely no stake in Vermont’s economy. I just want
my dads to be able to marry one day in the state where my family
lives.

That day may come more quickly than we think, DJFG, thanks to the
bravery of elected officials in Iowa and Vermont. As for rewarding Iowa
and Vermont …

Like most Americans, I consume way more corn syrup than a person
should (that shit’s in everything), so Iowa is covered; but I will make
sure the next bottle of maple syrup I purchase is from Vermont —
but I’ll be pouring it on my pancakes, thanks, not my boyfriend. Food
is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is
not a sex toy, not even chocolate.

ATTENTION JOURNALISTS: The deadline for this year’s Sexies —
the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards — is approaching. The Sexies
recognize writers “who stick to high journalistic standards” while
reporting about sex “in a climate of repression and misinformation
around human sexuality.” More info at Sexies.org.

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