If Jimmy Carter taught us anything, it was that a little bit of lust resides in all of us, even presidents. Which got us to thinking: If George W. visited the East Bay and wanted to get some lust out of his heart, where would he go?
Unfortunately for the leader of the free world, a combination of prudence and zoning laws eradicated strip clubs from the East Bay long ago — that’s assuming Bush is straight. Out here, we’ve learned to take nothing for granted when it comes to preferences, so for this part of the argument, let’s agree the First Lady is not a beard.
For starters, the presidential motorcade might head south on San Pablo Avenue past MacArthur, where he’d most likely ask his driver to slow down around 22nd Street, the thick of the track. It’s also near one of the city’s Hollywood Adult Superstore locations, where perhaps he’d rent Legal at Last #2, a DVD starring Richmond’s own Genevieve Silva, the porn starlet made famous after she was charged with having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy last year.
If Bush still couldn’t score, but was insistent on catching a live performance — you know how those fratboys can get — he could head further east on Highway 24 to Walnut Creek, where he might see a lingerie show at Masses Billiards, Sports Bar and Grill (2721 N Main St., 925-256-7665). Or if he craved that hole-in-the-wall dive-bar atmosphere, he’d head south to Hayward’s AJ’s (24744 Mission Blvd., 510-733-5282), where well-perfumed bikini dancers cluck around in high heels.
If all of that failed to cure Georgie’s lust for women, perhaps Bush would admit he made a mistake earlier in the evening, a character trait he is well known for. His first redemptive call might go to Oakland’s Men of Exotica, the self-described “Bay Area’s Supreme Team of Exotic Male Stipppers/Entertainers!” (510-663-6503). If they were unavailable, the prez might consider a trip to Berkeley’s Aquatic Park, where he’d park his limo along the rim of the lagoon.
Wait for the knock on the window, George. It means only one thing. — Justin Berton
