.Butt-Kickingest Low-Budget Ad

If you’ve been to the Parkway recently, then you may have seen what is easily the most hair-raising, action-packed premovie ad to ever hit the big screen. It goes like this: Sinister shot of woman being pursued down empty alley by anonymous male figure. Woman turns to face would-be attacker. Suddenly, she yells and begins to beat the tar out of him. Cut to almost impossibly loud cheering and shot of roomful of women ringed, gladiator-style, around a woman similarly making a hash of a heavily padded assailant. Her attacker is totally encased in rubbery protective gear and wears a gigantic helmet that makes him look a good deal like an extra-encephalitic version of cartoon character Strongbad, all of which serves to amplify his creepiness level. The already impossibly loud cheering reaches a crescendo as one woman jams her fingers into the attacker’s eyes and another somehow manages to deliver a double-thump to his groin while she is actually upside down. Awesome! The sheer butt-kickingness of it all only increases once you realize that these are not stunt pros, but real women taking a self-defense class designed to thwart a real-life attacker. If Impact’s graduates are anywhere near as fierce as the women in their commercials, East Bay muggers are in for a world of pain.